entering the land inside the rivers (to say goodbye)

We arrived in Ha Noi today and I am in a coffee shop in the Old Quarter. Glad to be here but it's a little bittersweet, knowing we have almost reached the end of our walk and for me (and I'm sure the rest as well) an important personal journey and time of contemplation. I realize how fortunate I am to be here. I have gained so much during this time and the people I have met along the way have made my life richer. I can only hope that this process has been reciprocal. We all seem to be dealing with strong emotions right now and I expect tomorrow to be difficult and joyous. end and beginning.

To catch you all up on the past couple days:

May 29:

 walked 12k with Salem and Bob. It was a day like no other, in terms of heat and dragging through it. Imagine walking through concrete. Dramatic comparison but not far off. Salem had to jump in the jeep after almost fainting. The heat hovered around 104 with the normal high humidity. Dusty roads, narrow roads. Not a scenic walk by any means but people were friendly. We finally stepped into Phu Ly (Ha Nam Province) in the early afternoon. After dinner in the hotel, I walked by the front desk and headed to my room, with the song "Happy Birthday" being sung behind me by one of the hotel employees. Happy Birthday seems to be quite the popular song in Vietnam, only behind ANYTHING by the Carpenter's or ANY Christmas tune. I lay in bed that night thinking about this time, what we have strived to do. I will miss those hard days of walking. I will miss the visits with the children, the ones who fueled this desire to DO something outside of of the world I am comfortable in. 

The next morning, I left the hotel with the same employee humming "It's a small world" (yes, the Disney World version).

May 30:

 A short 8 mile walk to the outskirts of Ha Noi to a hotel in the neighborhood Phap Van district. Time for going through bags, throwing stuff out, trying not to cry and trying to figure out how things will change when we leave Vietnam and go back to the stark contrast of our lives. Homesick but not wanting to leave the kids behind.

 I remember reading an article once about a man who was exposed to AO somewhere near Da Nang. He said he remembered once, after the chemical had been sprayed all around him,  a smell. He recalled that the smell was pleasant, almost sweet. He certainly could not have known that this sweet smell was perhaps the most poisonous chemical known to scientists. And surely this father never dreamed that the sweet smell would give his future child a declining half-life, or that they both would live unseen for the better part of their life.

Tomorrow we will make the final walk into Hoa Binh Village (Hoa Binh means PEACE), the home to approx. 65 kids who suffer from AO. We have been informed that tomorrow is "International Children's Day" in Vietnam. A perfect day to walk into Hoa Binh. I expect this to be very emotional for all of us. Each member of our group has put their heart into this effort. Despite the difficulties along the way,  I can honestly say that it was an honor to walk next to them and I will never forget their compassion toward the children suffering in this country. I have learned so much from each of them.

To my family and friends: Thank you for never questioning my need to come here, for not thinking of me as a runaway. You all just are willing to understand me and your words are always kind. I love you and brought you all here with me. 

36 kilometers from Hanoi

We walked into Phu Ly today in 104 degree heat...it was hard but we are so close to Hanoi that everyone is pretty hyped up here at the finish. I can't believe that we're almost there. I think each member of our group is experiencing happiness, disbelief that we actually did it, and some sadness. I am amazed at my new friends and their commitment to bettering the lives of these children. We talked at dinner tonight and everyone thanked each other for hanging in there, for getting through the difficulty of this effort, for not killing each other at times and for each contributing a special gift to this cause. Each of us is here because of agent orange. By walking and talking to the victims, we were able to watch this contamination silently unfold. We already wonder what comes next...where do you go from here? I  think I speak for all of us when I say that it will take a very long time to digest what we have been through and what we have seen. It is my hope and belief that we can make a difference, that our collective voice has been strong and that maybe, just maybe, the book on the Vietnam War will close one day soon. Studies can be proposed and conducted until hell freezes over but this does not help the people of Vietnam who suffer the lingering effects of this war. We cannot make them wait any longer.

Love from Vietnam.

Love from me.

hiding place for baby dragons

We returned to Tinh Binh tonight after a 2 day trip to Ha Long. We were ahead of schedule and pretty exhausted from some really hard days of walking/families so we decided to have a short rest and see one of Vietnam's treasures-Ha Long Bay. We took a van and drove a couple hrs., took two ferry's and ended up on Cat Ba island....very beautiful beaches and mountains. The next day we took a boat out to Monkey Island. I love monkeys and was very excited, went to the little market and bought 2 bunches of bananas. We took the boat ride out to the island ...very beautiful, isolated except for a few people who look after the monkeys. We were told that the monkeys come running down as soon as they see people but after an hour and a half of wandering up and down this beach, no monkeys. I did find some cool shells and coral on the beach. Still no monkeys. We finally just got back in the rowboat that took us to the big boat. As soon as we boarded, we looked toward the beach (now called money island) and there were the monkeys. 

That afternoon, we boarded a boat and headed out to HA Long Bay. It is one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. These incredible rocks protruding from the water-we were told there are 11,000 of them. The legend is: A mother dragon, knowing there was a typhoon, threw down these rocks in order for her to have a place to hide her babies-9 of them. The father dragon put his body in the open area near the rocks for further protection.

It is hard to describe the beauty of Ha Long Bay. I hope the pictures give you some idea of how amazing this place is. If you can ever make it to Vietnam, this is a place you have to go. It is a wonder.

We start walking tomorrow morning and will be very close to Hanoi. I still have all 10 toenails. Love to all....

Two days...three families

I'm posting from the city of Ninh Binh, where we have been since yesterday afternoon. We had a long (the group covered 60 k) and especially hot day and Salem and I were really dragging at times. Several stops to prevent getting sick. The road narrowed again and at times felt as if walking sideways was the only option. There are huge trucks on Highway 1, all day, every day. No relief from that. Sometimes it's strange to me to think this is the "super highway" of Vietnam because it is certainly rough. The people were very solemn in these villages. I wouldn't call them friendly but not unfriendly either. Just quiet, even the kids. I spent the day walking with  Bob, Phuc and Salem and Bao joined us later. The last few kilometers were unbelievably beautiful...mountains and rivers, kids playing in the water, water buffalo of course, that brilliant green of Vietnam that is like something out of Willy Wonka. We arrived in this city tired and grateful for a shower, food and got lucky with a really clean room. I have learned to be grateful for things like showers, food (even bad food), legs that will carry me through my life. And on and on. I know that just 2 pairs of shorts, socks and one t-shirt can carry you through a month. Hand soap can clean your clothes. Even a warm bottle of water comes in handy. I just realize that we do complicate our lives with too much "stuff". I have been shedding "stuff" since my arrival and the lighter my bag gets, the better I feel.

TODAY IS MAY 25: I woke up early, couldn't sleep any more so went downstairs to the kitchen to beg for some coffee. Great coffee, very hot water= a good morning. At 8:00, the head of the local VAVA (Vietnam Association for Agent Orange-Dioxin) and several members of his staff came to get us and we all went in cabs to a government building, which we did not expect to do. They had many officials from the city and many reporters there waiting in one of the rooms. It was very beautiful and behind the speaker who welcomed us was a gigantic bust of Ho Chi Minh and flowers everywhere. He welcomed us and thanked us and gave us information on local AO victims. Afterwards, Doc addressed them, with Bao translating and he gave a very moving description of what we hope to do for these children. It was so nice to look around the room, people united in their concern for the suffering of these children-no hatred, resentment or distrust. It was just really cool. Many eyes filling up with tears.

They took us to see 3 families (of 300,000 in this Province) with children affected by AO. The first family was about a 10 minute drive from our meeting. The daughter, named De, is 28 years old but looks to be much younger, as most AO victims do. She was totally silent and sort of leaned against the back of her bed the entire time we visited. The father fought in the Delta area and showed us where he had been shot: the head, the leg and arm. His first 2 children died at birth and the next two died at ages 3 and 4. De, along with her brother Dat (also AO) are the last two children. When the father spoke, he cried and you could feel the reaction of everyone in the room-heartbroken as always...even the photographers and reporters. I handed him my bandana and he cried and cried into it, wiped his face and said "cam on" (thank you) and tried to give it back. I told him to keep it, that it was ok and I watched as he gave it to his daughter and declared it "a gift " from the visitor. We gave them a donation and VAVA did as well, which was wonderful and then we shook his hand and left. It's always so hard to walk away from these meetings. I try so hard to not cry but I can never seem to. I remember thinking, as I got in the taxi, that as long as I draw breath, I will never forget the father's face.

The next family was not too far from the first. The father was waiting for us when we walked down the little path that led to their house. He took us all inside, to the bedside of his son Hung, who is 26 years old. A human being, capable of nothing but breathing. A riddled body. Feet turned backwards. only one hand that resembled a human being. In his hand a stick with plastic tied to the end because the parents want to teach him how to swat away the flies. The father was sprayed with AO while working on the HCM trail and this is what he brought home to his wife and future son. It is odd sometimes, what you think about as you stand by these children. Looking at Hung, I wondered what the prayers of hi parents must be like.

The last family we visited was a father to 5 sons. One of the boys died from AO and we visited with 3. The other brother is scared of people and ran away when we got there. I assume this happens regularly because the father did not seem alarmed or go look for him. Two of the three brothers we saw are twins, named Linh and Sang. The other two are Trinh and Gia. The father was exposed to AO in the Delta. While these boys could sit up and move around, they seemed to just mostly have a blank stare. The father was very worried about what will happen when he and the mother pass away. They are saving money so they will be able to put their sons into a facility when the time comes. Hopefully what we donated to them will help.

It is difficult to visit these families, as I have said so many times. But I try to imagine what their life is like, and I just cannot. There is no "making it whole" for these children. There are 3 million of them in Vietnam. We can't blame nature. There was no tragic accident. This was done by people.

Maybe one day there will be an answer to the question "when will it be over?"

STILL STANDING. STILL WALKING.

It's nice to be able to post again after 2 difficult days of walking. As I mentioned, it gets hotter the further North we go. It really zaps your energy and causes fatigue like you wouldn't believe.I have many new blisters but somehow am just walking through them. We are fast approaching Hanoi and getting excited about what will transpire there....I share with you now the past two days:

MAY 22:  began the long walk to Tinh Gia. At breakfast that day, Bao Anh's mother read my palm and told me that I would live a very long life (good), that I had alot of protection (better) and that I would grow happier and happier with each passing year (best). This was a good way to start the day. I walked on this day with Phuc and Bao along a narrow and dusty section of Highway 1. It was overcast that morning but later became unbelievably hot. It was so narrow that at times we had to walk single file with traffic passing at very high speeds. For those reading this who have been to Vietnam, you know there are no rules for driving. And although there is a method to the madness, it was still intimidating. We eventually welcomed a wider section of highway through the beautiful countryside. There were amazing trees with brilliant red blooms called "Fire flowers'-they are considered "the people's flower" and symbolize the coming of summer because they bloom in May. We stopped for luch and I was lucky enough to find pickled eggplant, which is a treat, especially at stand along our walk. I was tempted to order the "swimming bladder" but opted for the eggplant and a little rice. Nothing to drink except for bird's nest, made with the saliva of a particular bird. There are actual flecks of the nest in the drink. I just can't drink it but hopefully will summon the courage before I leave Vietnam. We walked into the Province of Thanh Hoa in the early afternoon. our hotel was decent until the middle of the night when I was awakened by mosquitos. I turned on the light and the air conditioner had a slow but steady leak and half of the floor of my room was covered with water. Mosquitoes were coming in through the bathroom window, which wouldn't close, no one at the desk, so I did not sleep much. I was able to get coffee the next morning, which made it all ok.

Dead snake count:38

Also learned at lunch to never try to teach a Vietnamese person to say "peanut".

 The VAVA called and asked us to return to Vinh to see more AO families. We are unable to backtrack and had to tell them no. We have more families to see in the next few days.

TODAY: A very interesting day. Walked with Bob and Phuc part of the time. About an hour into our walk, a woman came out of nowhere, screaming, crying, grunting, dancing, hitting my hat, growling, undressing (seriously) right in the middle of this village. This experience was frightening because she would not leave us. She stayed right with us for over a mile. She looked to be about 50 years old. We gave her our water and kept ducking into into little stands along the way trying to get people to help us and they just laughed at this woman, who at this point had almost no clothes on and was trying to hit a woman in the head with a large rock. The woman's husband ran and got a walking stick and began trying to beat the woman with the stick to get her to leave. She kept trying to come over to us and I was scared of her but felt so bad for her. She was just so ill and people were either laughing at her or trying to hit her. I just sort of lost it and started crying because it was so painful to watch and then this sweet man let us go into his place for awhile. He was really nice. Bob knows a little Vietnamese and kept asking people to call the police, but it is just a different world here. It seems like EVERYONE falls through the cracks. No one would call anybody and soon a crowd gathered and just watched her. All day I thought about this woman, what could have happened in her life? how did she survive this long? Maybe she is a messenger, as corny as it sounds. When we finally left the people's house, we could see her half naked in the middle of the road, just standing completely still and watched us walk away. I couldn't talk for the rest of the afternoon.

We are now in Thanh Hoa...and as I write this, I am struck by the realization that each of us has a story to tell.

We start tomorrow at 6 a.m. Love to all of you.

walking into Dien Chau

Hi everybody,

Another long walk....our group covered 28 miles. For some reason we were all really strong today despite these insane blisters that I am starting to name. I'm sure alot has to do with the weather...overcast most of the day, which was welcome! Nice breeze most of the day so mosquitos weren't a problem. Really a good day. We saw no families but will hopefully be seeing more families in 2-3 days Thanh Hoa province. We anticipate arriving at the AO hospital on June 1st, a week earlier than planned! We are all getting very excited but have many hard days of walking ahead of us. There should be quite a welcome from the word on the street (!) and we can't wait to see the kids waiting there for us. This is for them and I hope when they see us, they will feel alot of love.

We are lucky to be staying on the beach in Dien Cahu at a brand new place. I think we are the first guests. I spent about an hour on the beach picking up the most amazing shells. The water was very warm and it was nice to put my feet in it. I listened to my shuffle and really enjoyed just looking around on the ground for stuff. 

We will be heading out in the morning again, bright and early a 25 mile walk. Our team is working well together....it is a very complicated journey at times. There are long stretches with NOTHING so planning and sending someone ahead is essential. It is really down to a science now and we work very efficiently. There are days when I am sure I will need a foot transplant, but overall...I feel restless on the one day a week that we don't walk. Your body really gets used to it after a couple weeks so I maybe walking along the highway when I get home.

There is really nothing to report today other than the walking. I would like to take a minute and thank my family and friends for all their love and support and not ever questioning my need to do this. You are all wonderful. I wish I had each of you with me so you could experience this too. I hope my words and pictures do justice to these children and shed light on what is and what could be. 

I can't thank you all enough for caring the way you do.

ngu ngon  (sweet dreams).

today

We are still in Vinh and plan to stay here one more night then head out in the a.m. We plan a long day of walking and the weather has been great today-cloudy with no rain and cooler than usual. I hope it lasts. We anticipate reaching Hanoi earlier than expected! Our days of walking are long but are paying off as we are covering so much ground. I never would have believed it had I not been here.

The VAVA took us this morning to see the 3 families. The first family has 2 sons in their early 20's. They were on the wooden bed and totally covered with blankets. When uncovered, the boys made no movement or sound. They were completely still with just expressionless faces. One of the boys had both legs amputated from the knees down. They are skeletons and have no quality of life, except for their loving parents. The father fought near Hue when Agent Orange was dumped on him. His wife works and he takes care of the sons. He said it is very difficult to turn them and take care of them and I assume that is why he is at home and his wife is working. We decided to give a generous donation to assist with the cost of medications. 

The second family we visited has 3 generations of AO. This was a very sad situation. The mother cried when we were there. She told us that her husband went away to war and brought nothing back but agent orange. Her neighbors and relatives helped build a house for them. It was very sad to hear her story but it is not a new story. It is everywhere we go and it is sad every time. We gave a donation to this family as well and she was so happy. She wants to use the money to buy the medication that she gives her family. We asked what type of medication they take and the mother ran to get the bottle. She brought it back and handed it to us. The label on the bottle read: HEALTHY BRAIN PILLS. It was heartbreaking to me as I read the back of the bottle: HELPS IMPROVE BRAIN. 

The last family we saw has only one child, a young man who looks to be about 10 yrs. old but is 22. We were led through a marketplace to his "home" if you can call it a home. He was sitting on a small wooden bench with sides, like a playpen in a room that also served as a kitchen. The room measured roughly 8ft X 10ft. Only 3 of us could stand in the room at a time. The mother was very sweet and kept the son very clean and the room tidy but I don't think we have seen any living quarters this cramped. The father was exposed to AO and it has had devastating effects on him. He was in a room adjacent to the kitchen, an even smaller room than that of his son. He sat on a cot with this bright light shining directly in his face. He was unresponsive. His wife said he began showing signs not long after his return home from the war. His condition just continues to worsen. The father and son live every day with a wall between them. They are unable to interact and I found this to be such a terrible loss. 

 The strength of the parents of AO children is incredible. I often look at them and wonder what it is like to wake up each day to face the struggle that is their life. The wounds of their children fester but never heal. One parent told Bao Anh that he remembers as a soldier feeling the chemical "like rain" falling down to wet his body....seeing the mist that fell from the planes. And what we are seeing now is what these men and women brought home to their families and unborn children.

I know that many people feel that the responsibility for these health problems is unclear. Attempts by American and Vietnamese officials to come to an agreement over this issue has not succeeded. Waiting on scientific proof will continue to paralyze this issue. The health concerns of these people are a humanitarian issue. There are so many needs, from family counseling to rehabilitation centers, and education for those children who cannot attend regular schools. Pointing fingers does not change anything. In the spirit of decency, I hope our country and all people who care for the people of Vietnam, will step up to the plate and do what they can to help. The only way to ever win, is with compassion and a sense of duty.

I am off to buy a camera. Mine was stolen and was the first thing I've ever had stolen in this country. What upset me most of all were the pictures from the last two days that were lost. I took my camera up to my room last night before bringing my computer to the lobby and when I returned, no camera. The camera means everything to me here so I have been pretty bummed out about it but am going with Bao and Phuc to locate another one. So maybe some pictures will go up tomorrow.

Love to you all.